Holding a wake or vigil
& After-Death Bodycare

We are carried. in bellies. in arms. in love. in hope. in caskets. in urns. in grief. in memories. our whole live into the next we are carried.

sara rian

If you would like to keep your loved one’s body at home for a while after their death, or if you would like to hold a wake or vigil, I can provide advice, practical help and emotional support.

Here you can learn more about my work as a death doula.

What happens during a wake or vigil?

The format of this time is not fixed. However, it provides a unique and private space and can be whatever is comfortable and meaningful for those involved. This may involve keeping the deceased at home for a few extra hours, during which time people can sit with them, hold their hand, talk to them, or simply be in their presence. The deceased can be washed and dressed together. Ceremonies can be held or texts can be read aloud. Shrine items can be gathered or created. There can be moments of silence and quiet reflection, as well as prayer, the sharing of stories, tears and laughter, food, music and even dancing. A wake or home vigil can be held with either a small group of people or a larger gathering.

Unrushed time

Spending time at a deathbed was once an integral part of the grieving process. It was an opportunity to come together, share memories, and honour the deceased’s transition.

Today, traditional home viewings and vigils are the exception rather than the rule in our culture and society. Typically, relatives are not expected to act immediately after a death or take care of things. Most organisational steps and formalities can wait. We can take our time.

Honoring the transition

When someone dies, it often takes time to process what has happened and adapt to the new reality. Time is needed to say goodbye and perhaps experience a sense of connection that transcends death. Not just once, but repeatedly.

Spending time at the deathbed, either alone or with others, enables you to take a step back and consciously experience this transition. This allows you to do whatever you need to do, either alone or with others, and to say goodbye to the deceased, especially their body. Your own home offers a safe space for mourners and the deceased. For your own journey through grief, it can be important to have the opportunity to revisit the deceased at your own pace.

Preparing for the Final Journey: Care of the body

After-death care involves the mindful washing and dressing of the deceased. Although these tasks are practical, caring for a dead body is, at its core, a ritual of transition. It enables the living to say goodbye and make final adjustments to the body. These final acts of care may include applying fragrant oils or dressing the deceased in their favourite clothes. Preparing a loved one’s body for their final journey helps us to recognise what remains and develop a connection that transcends death. All of this is part of the grieving process and helps us to move forward.

Bathing and Dressing

How we care for the bodies of the deceased depends on various factors, including cultural and religious affiliation, the place and cause of death, the season, the condition of the body, and access to cooling devices. It also depends on one’s relationship with the deceased, the relationships between the other parties involved, and one’s current emotional state.

For many people, the idea of caring for a deceased person’s body themselves is initially uncomfortable. Encounters with death can be unsettling. However, those who choose to do so often find that it is not as difficult or complicated as is often assumed. Quite often, they feel good about having taken this step.

There is no right or wrong way to care for a deceased loved one. The aim is to treat the body in a way that reflects the wishes and personality of the deceased, while also meeting the needs of those who are bereaved.