Dying, death & grief

Counseling & support for LGBTIQ*

Counseling & support for LGBTI* and queer people in dealing with dying, death and grief

Celebrating life. Marking and shaping the transitions of life and death. Saying goodbye consciously.

As a queer death doula, it is important to me to offer BIPoC, queer, trans* and inter* people sensitive and non-discriminatory support and advice during life transitions and farewell processes in connection with dying, death and mourning. My focus is on supporting people who position themselves as LGBTI* and their close ones. In Berlin & online.

Learn more about

• Turning points, life transitions and processes of change & farewell
• For whom?
• Counseling and support for LGBTI* and queer people and
• End of life planning for Queers
• Professional care systems
• Death Doula support at the end of life
• Trans*parents, queer family models and rainbow families
• Rituals for Life & Farewell
• Queer grief
• Procedure & costs

Turning points, life transitions and processes of change & farewell

I support you in processes of change and farewell. These can be biographical turning points, the end of a life phase, changes or separation from circumstances, places, people, health or life issues. Life, dying, death and mourning are not separate stages of life, but are interconnected. Therefore, it is important to me to understand life and death as a whole. For me, this includes accompanying people through different stages of life and farewells.

Queer people experience different losses – just like everyone else. Existential experiences such as illness, dying, death and mourning are connected with internal and external challenges. With crises, upheavals and processes of change. At the same time, these processes are structured by social norms. For LGBTI* people, existential experiences related to death and dying are therefore often associated with additional challenges, hurdles or experiences of discrimination.

For whom?

For all LGBTI* people

• Dealing with dying, death and bereavement
• who want to plan for the end of life and prepare their documents
• with life-threatening or life-limiting illnesses
• in the last phase of life
• who support or care for a dying person
• Who want to prepare for a conscious farewell
• Preparing for a stillbirth or having a stillborn child
• who would like support in the time between death and funeral
• whose pet is dying or has died
• who are experiencing or grieving the death of a loved one
• Looking for a meaningful way to deal with significant or difficult days

When services such as home care, hospice or palliative care are involved, I work within a larger network. Learn more about my End of life & grief support.

Counseling and support for LGBTI* and queer people

Berlin & Online

• I offer counseling and support in the following formats:
• one-time-counseling, repeated counseling & support (possibly at different times or with longer intervals in between) as well as continuous support over a longer period of time, in the Berlin area and online.
• I work in an outreach and location-flexible manner in all care settings: homes, residential facilities, nursing homes, hospices, and hospitals. I also accompany you to places such as the cemetery, nature, the funeral parlor, the crematorium or to the police station.
• My offer does not prescribe a spiritual worldview and is open to people from secular as well as different religious or spiritual contexts.
• Individual self-determination and freedom of choice are core values for me. I see my clients as experts in their own history and experiences. And my job to support them in finding their own answers and solutions and in making their own decisions.
• As an end of life counselor, I support, advise and coach you. I do not provide ongoing on-site support such as nursing staff or volunteer end-of-life care. When services such as home care, hospice or palliative care are involved, i work within a larger network.
• Learn more about my End of life support & grief counseling and about me.

End of life planning for Queers: Self-determined decision making & advance planning

Powers of Attorney, Advance Directives, and Paperwork

It’s never too early or too late to start thinking about what we want at the end of our lives. Even if we hope to have many years ahead of us, it makes sense to think about it before a crisis hits.

As a queer end of life doula, my aim is to support people in the sensitive and very personal process of preparing for their own death or the death of a loved one in a self-determined way. For me, this includes creating a safe and inclusive space where everyone involved can openly express their fears, wishes, and thoughts. We will explore wishes, values, options, available resources, and potential stumbling blocks so that informed and empowered decisions can be made.

Most systems in which illness, dying, death and bereavement are embedded are based on heterosexual and binary lifeworlds or gender models. Decision-making powers usually lie automatically with biological or legal relatives. This means that relationship and family models without legal status are not taken into account.

For LGBTI* people and people in polyamorous or non-traditional family models, this can mean that the family of choice or partners are not entitled to participate in decision-making. Instead, people who were less close to the dying or deceased person, or who do not fully respect their wishes, may be entitled to make decisions. It is therefore particularly important for queer people to document their own wishes. In order to ensure that at the end of life and beyond, loved ones, families of choice, and queer life realities can maintain their place and be legally recognized, it is necessary to establish this in advance in a legally binding way.

An End of life plan is the central instrument when it comes to

• making self-determined decisions
• Relieve the burden on loved ones
• Facilitating shared or collective care
• Dealing with complicated families of origin or normative institutions, laws and guidelines

Professional care systems for dying, death and mourning

Medical practices, hospitals and care systems, end-of-life and grief counseling, funeral culture and the administrative landscape usually do not do justice to queer realities of life. Sensitized contact persons or teams are still rare.

Perhaps one’s own identity may not be taken for granted, questioned or acknowledged. Or one may encounter only benevolent interest – there are many questions to be answered and educational work to be done. Or it may be necessary to come out, even if though one does not have the strength to do so. Or let ones identity slip under the carpet to protect oneself from unpleasant situations. Or is subjected to examinations or care measures that have a retraumatizing or trauma-activating effect. All of this is stressful enough in “normal” everyday life, and the last thing one needs in an exceptional existential situation. Together we can consider how you can deal with the situation and, if necessary, I will support you in dealing with the respective system.

Death doula support at the end of life

As a death doula, I support people who are dying and their close ones. This support can be emotional, spiritual, practical or organizational.

It can be about navigating professional systems. Or about advocating for the end-of-life care chosen by the person concerned. It can be about being a resource for family members, for example, explaining physical processes. Passing on helpful knowledge so that the dying person can be supported in the best possible way by everyone involved. Talking about fears, handing out tissues or organizing things. Providing a break or support during a conversation with doctors, nurses or funeral directors. Or providing a protective nest where the dying person can retreat safely and comfortably.

Trans*parents, queer family models and rainbow families

There are few things as painful and as powerless as the death of one’s own child. The loss is difficult to bear, and the social environment is not always helpful. Queer families and trans* parents often experience additional structural discrimination in this situation.

I support you to gain strength and to find your feet again. Grief often comes in waves and needs time, space and connection. For example, the support can be about shaping the remaining time together, finding ways to say goodbye or finding a place for grief in life.

I am not specifically trained as a stillbirth doula, but I will support you as best I can if

• You are preparing for a stillbirth
• You have learned that your child will not live long after birth
• You have decided not to have a baby
• You are orphaned parents
• A child or parent has a life-shortening illness

If you are being cared for by a midwife*, I am of course happy to work together as a team.

Rituals for Life & Farewell

Rituals and ceremonies are very powerful. They accompany the beginning of our lives, the transitions between different phases and the end of our lives. And sometimes the coincidence of beginning and end. They allow us to celebrate life, to celebrate change, and to say goodbye.

Rituals make us aware and remind us that something important is happening. They help us make sense of things. And they give us guidance and support. For many people, it is good to consciously shape the time of farewell. Rituals of farewell and connection are also possible when your own feelings about a deceased person are conflicting, when someone died a long time ago, or when the coffin or urn is far away.
I support you in creating a ritual

• To consciously remember or celebrate an important moment or change.
• When a farewell is imminent, e.g. because we joint ways are parting. Or because a person will die in the foreseeable future.
• Shortly after someone has died, for example, when washing the deceased person together or when laying them out at home.
• To honor or celebrate the life of someone who has died.
• To remember and stay connected

Together we will find the symbols, actions, and places that work for you.

Queer Grief

Grief is part of live.

For change and new beginnings. For formative life experiences. Losses and goodbyes. Contact with dying and death. It is often intertwined with small, everyday things. More or less manageable. And sometimes at the center of everything, vast and intense.

The causes or triggers of grief can be very different. Some are immediately associated with grief. Others are more invisible or less recognized by society.

I support you in acute and long-term grief processes. In my view, there is no such thing as “that was too long ago”.