Queer death, grief & End of life
Counseling & support for LGBTI*
As a queer death doula, it is important to me to offer BIPoC, queer, trans* and inter* people sensitive and non-discriminatory counseling and support during life transitions and processes in connection with End of life, death and grief. My focus is on supporting people who identify as LGBTI* and their chosen families.
My services are suitable for
all LGBTI* people who would like support
- to develop a good end-of-life plan and prepare their documents
- due to a life-threatening illness
- in the last phase of life
- as they are experiencing the death or supporting a dying person or animal
- as they are preparing for a stillbirth or grieving for a stillborn child
- as they are grieving for a deceased person or animal
Learn more about my approach as a death doula and the framework of my work.
In Berlin & the surrounding area, and online on request.
Queer Death
Queer people experience various forms of loss – just like everyone else. Existential experiences such as illness, dying, death and bereavement are almost always linked to internal and external challenges – to crises, upheavals and processes of change.
At the same time, these processes are usually structured according to social norms. For LGBTI* people, therefore, these existential life experiences are often compounded by additional hurdles and challenges. Discrimination, social invisibility, boundary violations and experiences of powerlessness can make the social and professional environment an unsafe place. This makes it more difficult to come to terms with one’s own dying process, saying goodbye or grieving.
Queer sensitivity
in the context of dying, death and bereavement
Medical practices, hospitals, care systems, end-of-life and bereavement support, funeral culture and administrative frameworks often fail to take sufficient account of queer realities. Sensitive contact persons or teams are rare. Healthcare settings, in particular, are not safe spaces for many trans* people, for example.
Sometimes one’s own identity is not taken for granted, is questioned or goes unnoticed. Or one simply encounters well-meaning curiosity – with many questions to be answered and a need for education. Or one is forced to come out, even when one lacks the strength to do so. Or one chooses to keep one’s identity hidden in order to protect oneself. Or one is subjected to examinations and treatments that have a retraumatising effect.
All of this is stressful enough in ‘normal’ everyday life, and in an exceptional existential situation or emergency, it’s the last thing one needs. Together, we can explore how you can deal with the situation. I’d be happy to support you in dealing with the people you’re in contact with and the place where you find yourself.
End of life planning for LSBTI*
Powers of Attorney, Advance Directives & Paperwork
As a queer death doula, I support LGBTI* people in coming to terms with the end of life and making advance arrangements. My aim is to create a safe, inclusive space where fears, wishes and ideas can be expressed.
Planning for the end of life and in the event of death is fundamentally important. Illness, dying, death and bereavement are often embedded in systems geared towards heterosexual and binary ways of life. These frameworks therefore often work only to a limited extent for queer ways of life. Legally binding advance care planning is therefore essential to reduce specific barriers.
Queer people are disproportionately likely to live in non-traditional relationship and family structures, such as chosen families and care communities comprising several partners and circles of friends, or multi-parent families. These ways of life and family structures often have no legal status. The absence of legally binding end-of-life planning can mean that chosen family members or life partners have little or no right to have a say in or shape decisions regarding the end of life, and that the lived realities of queer people – particularly trans* people – are not respected.
Saying goodbye is always, to some extent, an act of self-determination: the correct name, the appropriate pronoun, the chosen family. An ‘End-of-Life Plan’ is the key tool when it comes to
- making self-determined and legally binding decisions
- to ease the burden on loved ones
- to specify who is authorised to receive information and make decisions
- to facilitate collective care
- to ensure the deceased’s body is treated with respect, even if their gender identity and civil status differ
- to deal with complex family backgrounds, normative institutions, laws or guidelines
Here you can find more information on
Queer sensitive End of life support in Berlin
As a death doula, I provide practical, organisational or emotional support. This may involve
- navigating the healthcare system
- providing support during discussions with doctors, nursing staff or funeral directors
- advocating for the care or wishes chosen by the person concerned
- being a conversation partner for those close
- sharing useful information
- discussing fears, sitting in silence together, laughing, handing over tissues or making tea
- providing a moment of respite
Find out more about my services in
Trans*parents and rainbow families
Few things are as painful or leave one feeling as powerless as the death of one’s own child. Particularly in the case of stillborn children, the social environment is not always supportive. Trans* parents, multi-parent families and other queer family set-ups are often faced with additional structural discrimination in this situation.
I am not specifically trained as a stillbirth doula, but I do support queer parents and families* on request if
- a child is due to be stillborn
- a child is due to die shortly after birth
- a decision has been made not to proceed with a pregnancy
- you are bereaved parents
- a child or a parent has a life-shortening illness
If you are being supported by a midwife*, I’d be very happy to work in collaboration with them.
Ritual Design for Life, Transitions & Farewells
My ritual design creates a space to celebrate and bid farewell to queer and trans* lives through ceremonies and rituals that feel genuine – authentic and empowering, conducted with respect and as a matter of course.
Rituals and ceremonies are powerful. Through them, we mark, celebrate and commemorate important moments – the beginning of our lives, transitions between different phases, stages of life and its end. And sometimes, too, the convergence of beginning and end.
Rituals make us aware and remind us that something important is happening. And help us to make sense of things, providing guidance and support. Even if feelings towards a deceased person are mixed, if someone died a long time ago, or if the deceased is far away, rituals of farewell and connection are still possible.
Traditional rituals no longer appeal to everyone today. Instead, there is a growing desire for individual, personal rituals that do without conventions, clichés and kitsch. It is important to me that guided rituals emerge from the respective cultural context and that cultural appropriation is avoided. I can support you if you wish to hold a ceremony or ritual to …
- mark or celebrate an important moment or a change
- prepare for a farewell
- say goodbye
- honour the life of a deceased person
- remember and stay connected
Queer Grief
Unacknowledged Grief | Invisible Grief
Grief accompanies us throughout our lives: through changes, new beginnings, formative experiences, losses and farewells, and in coming to terms with dying and death. It weaves itself into everyday life, sometimes more gently, intertwined with small things. Sometimes more strongly, taking centre stage – all-encompassing and intense.
Grief is often associated with heteronormative models of relationships and families. Queer experiences of loss and grief, by contrast, are frequently overlooked or unrecognised and remain invisible. Grief in queer contexts can be influenced by experiences specific to queer people, such as
- the stigmatisation of aspects of queer life
- a lack of recognition of queer relationship models
- experiences of discrimination and exclusion
- breaks with one’s family of origin
- a lack of rituals, visibility and a sense of belonging
Even outside queer contexts, there are many situations and conventions in which grief is not acknowledged. What they all have in common is that this can make the grieving process significantly more difficult. Here you can find more information about my grief counselling